A full lexicon is on its way. I'm building a complete lexicon of non-monogamy and kink terms for this site. Until it's here, these are the main terms you'll come across.
When people first look into non-monogamy, they often worry about using the wrong word. Don't. Here are the terms I hear most often, in plain language, so you can pick the ones that are useful to you and leave the rest.
The umbrella: ethical non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), covers any relationship style where people have more than one romantic or sexual connection with everyone's knowledge and consent. The "ethical" part is the point: honesty and consent between the people involved, not secrecy between partners. It doesn't have to be public. You can keep your relationships private from the rest of the world and still be completely honest inside them.
Common relationship styles
- Open relationship. Usually a couple who agree that one or both of them can have sexual or casual connections with other people, while the couple stays the main relationship.
- Polyamory. Having, or being open to, more than one loving relationship at a time. Polyamory is about relationships, not only sex.
- Swinging. Couples who have sexual experiences with other people, often together and often through parties, clubs or apps, usually without building separate romantic relationships.
- Monogamish. A mostly monogamous relationship with a few agreed exceptions.
- Solo polyamory. Practising polyamory without a primary partner or plans to merge your life with one.
- Relationship anarchy. An approach that avoids ranking relationships or following preset rules, and shapes each connection on its own terms.
Words for the people involved
- Nesting partner. A partner you live with.
- Primary and secondary. Terms from hierarchical setups, where partners agree that one relationship comes first for things like time, attention or big decisions. It describes an agreed structure, not anyone's worth: a secondary partner isn't a lesser person or a lesser love. Other people prefer non-hierarchical arrangements, where no relationship is ranked above another.
- Metamour. Your partner's partner.
- Throuple or triad. Three people in an exclusive relationship with each other.
- Polycule. The whole network of connected partners and metamours.
Words for the feelings
- NRE (new relationship energy). The rush of excitement at the start of a new connection. Wonderful, and worth naming, because it can make people forget existing commitments.
- Compersion. The joy you feel when you see your partner happy with someone else.
- Jealousy. Normal, common and workable. I've written more about it in Jealousy in an open relationship.
Words for how people organise it
- Kitchen-table polyamory. A way of describing how involved the relationships in a polycule are with each other. In a full kitchen-table setup, partners and metamours know each other and could comfortably sit around a kitchen table together. In practice there are usually layers: some relationships are closely involved with each other, and others stay separate, where people know about each other but aren't part of each other's lives.
- Agreements. What partners decide together about things like safer sex, time and what gets shared. I prefer "agreements" to "rules" because they can be revisited as people change.
- Veto. An agreement that one partner can ask another to end a connection. Some people use it; many find it causes more hurt than it prevents. Talk it through carefully before relying on it.
The good, and the real
Done with care, non-monogamy can bring more honesty, more connection and a lot of personal growth. It also brings more conversations, more calendar planning and more feelings to handle. The people who do well with it aren't the ones who never feel jealous. They're the ones who talk early and adjust their agreements as they go.
None of these labels are compulsory, and plenty of people mix and match. None of them has to be forever, either. You can be polyamorous in one relationship, or one chapter of your life, and monogamous in another, and go back and forth as freely as you like. The right structure is the one everyone involved actually wants.
Further reading
This introduction to how polyamorous relationships work from The Cut is a good next step. You'll find more on my resources page.