Where the word comes from
"Compersion" is usually traced to the Kerista commune in San Francisco in the 1970s and 1980s, a community that practised group relationships and needed a word for a feeling English didn't have. It spread through polyamorous communities and is now one of the best-known terms in non-monogamy.
What it feels like
Compersion is rarely fireworks. More often it's something quieter:
- Your partner comes home from a date relaxed and glowing, and you're glad.
- Your partner has someone who shares a hobby you've never enjoyed, and you're relieved they get to do it with someone who loves it.
- You meet your metamour and genuinely like them.
- You see your partner being cared for on a hard day when you couldn't be there.
It's the same warmth you feel when a close friend gets good news, pointed at a part of your partner's life that doesn't include you.
Compersion and jealousy aren't really opposites
In theory they sit at opposite ends of a line. In practice many people feel a flicker of both in the same evening. Feeling jealous doesn't mean you'll never feel compersion, and feeling compersion doesn't mean you've stopped being jealous. I've written about the other side in Jealousy in open relationships.
Is compersion required?
No. It's real, and many people grow into it over time, but it isn't a test you have to pass. Plenty of people get to "calm and fine" about a partner's other relationships, and that's a good place to be. If someone tells you that you should be feeling compersion by now, they're adding pressure, and pressure is the thing that makes it least likely.
How it tends to grow
You can't force compersion, but you can make room for it:
- Feel secure in your own relationship. It's much easier to be glad for a partner when you're not worried about losing them.
- Have good experiences to point to. Each time a partner's date ends with them coming home warm and attentive, it gets a little easier.
- Look after yourself on date nights. Waiting by the phone breeds anxiety. A plan of your own leaves room for gladness.
- Get to know your metamour, if you both want to. Faceless strangers are easy to fear. A real person is usually easier to wish well.
- Name it when it happens. Telling your partner "I'm really glad you had a good time" is good for both of you.
Compersion in monogamy
The word comes from non-monogamy, but the feeling doesn't belong to it. Being glad that your partner has close friends, a career they love or a trip without you is the same muscle.
Where to go from here
Look up related words in the lexicon. If jealousy is louder than compersion right now, that's common and workable; a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.