Where it comes from
The idea is usually traced to a short manifesto by the Swedish writer Andie Nordgren, published in 2006. It was a list of principles rather than a rulebook, which fits: relationship anarchy is wary of rulebooks.
The core ideas
- Love isn't a limited resource. Caring about one person doesn't mean you have less for another.
- No default ranking. A romantic partner isn't automatically more important than a close friend. Each relationship is valued for what it is.
- No automatic entitlements. Being in a relationship doesn't give anyone a right to control the other person's choices.
- Commitments are chosen, not assumed. If you want to live together, raise children together or spend every Sunday together, you agree to it. It doesn't follow from a label.
- Trust and communication come first. Without preset rules, you have to talk more, not less.
What it can look like
One relationship anarchist might live with a close friend, have a long-term partner they see twice a week, and a newer connection that hasn't been given a name. Another might have one partner and simply not follow the usual script about what that relationship must include. Relationship anarchy isn't about having lots of partners. It's about deciding each relationship's shape on purpose.
What it isn't
- It isn't "no commitment". Relationship anarchists often make deep, long-term commitments. They just make them explicitly.
- It isn't chaos. Without rules, people still make agreements. They're just specific to each relationship and open to renegotiation.
- It isn't a way to avoid accountability. "I'm a relationship anarchist" doesn't excuse hurting someone. Care and honesty still apply.
Relationship anarchy and polyamory
They overlap but aren't the same. Polyamory is about having more than one loving relationship. Relationship anarchy is about how you approach every relationship, including friendships. Many relationship anarchists are polyamorous; some aren't. More in What is polyamory?
Common challenges
- Partners who want a hierarchy. If one person wants to be someone's priority and the other doesn't rank, both need to say so early.
- Time. Without a default ranking, every scheduling choice is a decision.
- Explaining it. Family and friends may not understand why your best friend gets the same weight as your partner.
- Doing the talking. Relationship anarchy only works if everyone is willing to have the conversations the rules would otherwise have settled.
Is it for me?
Ask yourself whether the usual relationship script, the one where things move in a fixed order from dating to moving in to marriage, has ever felt like a fit. If it hasn't, relationship anarchy is one way to write your own. Solo polyamory is another.
Where to go from here
Look up related words in the lexicon. If you'd like help shaping a relationship on your own terms, a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.