Where the word comes from
Draw everyone as a dot and each relationship as a line, and you get something that looks like a diagram from a chemistry class. People in polyamorous communities needed a word for "everyone who is connected to everyone else, more or less", and "polycule" stuck.
Who counts
There's no official membership list. Most people include:
- Their own partners.
- Their metamours. A metamour is your partner's partner.
- Sometimes their metamours' partners. This is usually where it starts to feel like a small town.
Some people count only romantic relationships. Others include long-term friends with benefits or close friends who are part of the group's life. Ask three people in the same polycule where it ends and you may get three different answers. That's fine. What matters is that the people inside it are on the same page about how much they're involved with each other.
Common shapes
- A vee. One person with two partners who aren't in a relationship with each other. The person in the middle is sometimes called the hinge.
- A triad or throuple. Three people who are all in a relationship with each other. I've written more about that in What is a throuple?
- A quad. Four people, often two couples who have become connected.
- A network. Longer chains and clusters, where each person may only know their own partners and metamours well.
Shapes change. Relationships start, end and shift, and the polycule changes with them. That's normal, not a sign that something has failed.
How involved does everyone have to be?
Not very, unless you all want to be. Some polycules are close: everyone knows each other, shares holidays and could happily sit around a kitchen table together. In others, people know about each other but aren't part of each other's lives. Most sit somewhere in between, with some relationships closely involved and others more separate. I explain the range in Kitchen-table polyamory.
What keeps a polycule healthy
- News travels to the people it affects. A new partner, a change in safer-sex practices or a move to a new city affects more than one relationship. Agree who tells whom, and how soon.
- Each relationship makes its own agreements. You can agree things with your partner. You can't make agreements on your metamour's behalf.
- The calendar is honest. Time is the scarcest thing in most polycules. A shared calendar, or at least a shared habit of planning ahead, prevents a lot of hurt.
- Problems get raised early. Jealousy, resentment and scheduling friction are much easier to talk about at a 3 out of 10 than at a 9. More on that in Jealousy in open relationships.
- Privacy is respected. Being in a polycule doesn't mean everyone knows everything. People are entitled to keep the details of their own relationships between the people in them.
Drawing your own map
Many polycules really do draw their map, and it's a surprisingly useful exercise. It shows you who is connected to whom, where information is supposed to flow, and where one person is quietly carrying a lot of the coordination. If you're the hinge in more than one place, the map is often the first time anyone sees how much you're holding.
You don't need a polycule to be polyamorous
If you're just starting out, you might have one partner and no metamours yet. You're still welcome in the conversation. Polycules grow one relationship at a time.
Where to go from here
Look up any word on this page in the lexicon. If you'd like to talk through your own situation, a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.