Throuple, triad or vee?
These three get mixed up a lot, especially from the outside.
- Throuple. Three people, all in a relationship with each other, and closed to anyone else. The word is "three" plus "couple".
- Triad. Also three people who are all in a relationship with each other. Some people use it as another word for throuple. Others use it for a group of three who are also open to other partners.
- Vee. One person with two partners who aren't in a relationship with each other. A vee can look like a throuple at a dinner party, but the two outer partners are metamours, not partners.
If you're not sure which you are, two questions settle it: is each of us in a relationship with both of the others, and are we closed to anyone else?
How throuples usually form
- A couple and a new person. This is the most common route. It goes best when the newcomer has a real relationship with each of the other two, and a full say in the agreements. It goes worst when the third person is treated as an addition to someone else's relationship.
- A vee that closes. Two metamours get to know each other and something grows between them.
- Three people who meet and grow together, with no couple at the centre from the start.
A throuple is really four relationships
There are three one-to-one relationships, plus the relationship of the three of you together. Each needs attention. A throuple where two people spend most of their one-to-one time together, and the third mostly sees them as a pair, tends to feel lopsided sooner or later.
What to talk about early
- Time. Group time, and time for each pair on its own. Who sleeps where, and how holidays work.
- Equal say. Agreements are made by all three of you, not by a couple who then inform the third.
- Exclusivity. What "closed" means to each of you, and how anyone can raise a wish to change it.
- Home and money. If you live together or share costs, talk about what happens to the home and the money if the shape changes.
- Being out. Who knows about the three of you: family, friends, work. Not everyone has to be out to the same people, but everyone should know who knows.
- Jealousy. It shows up in throuples too, often around pairs. I've written about it in Jealousy in open relationships.
- What happens if one relationship ends. If two of you break up, does the throuple end, or become a vee? Nobody likes this conversation, and it's much kinder to have it early.
What the law says
In the US, marriage is still limited to two people. A small but growing number of cities, starting with Somerville, Massachusetts in 2020, recognise domestic partnerships of more than two people or protect people in them from discrimination. Rules vary a lot by place, so if legal protection matters to the three of you, talk to a lawyer where you live.
Where to go from here
Look up any word on this page in the lexicon, or read about the wider network in What is a polycule? If the three of you would like to talk it through together, I work with groups as well as couples, and a free 15-minute call is a good place to start.