Where the word comes from
"Monogamish" was popularised by the advice columnist Dan Savage, who used it for couples who were "mostly" monogamous. It caught on because it named something many couples were already doing quietly.
What it can look like
The exceptions differ from couple to couple. Common ones include:
- An occasional experience with someone else, together or apart.
- A "hall pass": a one-off or time-limited exception, often for a specific situation.
- Different rules when one of you is travelling.
- Flirting or kissing at a party, and nothing more.
What makes it monogamish rather than an open relationship is the default. Most of the time, the relationship is closed.
Why couples choose it
- It allows some variety without changing the shape of the relationship.
- It can take pressure off: neither partner has to be everything to the other all the time.
- It suits couples who are curious about non-monogamy but don't want separate relationships.
The agreements worth talking through
- What counts. Be specific. "Nothing serious" means different things to different people.
- Telling or not telling. Some couples share everything; some agree not to hear details. "Don't ask, don't tell" can work, but it often makes jealousy harder to handle, so talk it through carefully.
- Who. Strangers only, or friends and acquaintances too? Exes?
- How often. An exception that happens every week isn't really an exception any more.
- Safer sex. What you'll do, and how you'll tell each other if something changes.
- Checking in afterwards. A short conversation the next day catches small feelings before they grow.
- How to pause. Either of you should be able to say "not right now" without it becoming a crisis.
I call these "agreements" rather than "rules", because they work best when you revisit them as you both change.
What tends to go wrong
- Exceptions that drift. Small exceptions grow without anyone deciding they should.
- One partner wanting more. If one of you is quietly hoping monogamish becomes open, say so.
- Unspoken assumptions. Most painful surprises come from something one partner thought was obviously included and the other thought was obviously not.
Is monogamish a stepping stone?
Sometimes. Some couples start monogamish and later open up further. Many stay monogamish for good, and that's a perfectly stable place to be. It isn't a halfway house on the way to anything else.
Where to go from here
Compare it with What is an open marriage? and What does ENM mean?, or look up terms in the lexicon. If you'd like to agree your exceptions with some help, a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.