What the "ethical" part means
It doesn't mean ENM is more moral than monogamy, or that monogamous people are doing something wrong. It means honesty and consent between the people involved. The opposite of ethical non-monogamy isn't monogamy. It's cheating.
ENM doesn't have to be public, either. Plenty of people keep their relationships private from family or work and are still completely honest inside them.
What ENM can look like
ENM is an umbrella. Under it sit many different arrangements:
- Open relationship or open marriage. A couple agree that one or both can have connections with other people, while the couple stays the main relationship. More in What is an open marriage?
- Polyamory. More than one loving relationship at a time. More in What is polyamory?
- Swinging. Couples who have experiences with other people, often together, usually without separate romantic relationships.
- Monogamish. Mostly monogamous, with a few agreed exceptions. More in Monogamish.
- Solo polyamory. Polyamory without a primary partner. More in Solo polyamory.
- Relationship anarchy. No preset ranking or rules; each connection is shaped on its own terms. More in Relationship anarchy.
What ENM means on a dating profile
When someone writes "ENM" on Hinge, Tinder or Feeld, it usually means they're non-monogamous and open about it. It doesn't tell you which kind. They may be single or partnered, and looking for something casual or something serious. A few questions save a lot of guessing:
- Are you partnered? Does your partner know you're on here?
- What kind of connection are you looking for?
- What agreements do you have that would affect us?
- How do you handle time, and how much will I hear about your other relationships?
ENM couples and married ENM
"ENM couple" on a profile usually means a couple dating together, separately, or both. If you're the person they're talking to, you're entitled to the same clarity as anyone else: what the couple's agreements are, whether you'll have a say in the ones that affect you, and what happens if one of them gets uncomfortable.
If you're the couple, the kindest thing you can do is know your own agreements before you start dating. Working them out with a new person halfway through a first date rarely goes well.
ENM and polyamory: the difference
All polyamory is ENM, but not all ENM is polyamory. Polyamory is about multiple loving relationships. An open relationship might allow only casual connections, and swinging usually isn't about separate romance at all.
How common is it?
More common than many people think. A large US study published in 2017 found that about one in five single adults had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point. Very few of them were taught how to do it well. That's most of what coaching is for.
Where to go from here
Look up any term in the lexicon. If you're wondering whether ENM is for you, or for the two of you, a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.