What "open" can mean
There's no single version. For one couple it means occasional casual connections. For another it means each spouse has a long-term partner. Some couples date together; some date separately; some only open up when travelling. If you're mostly closed with a few exceptions, monogamish may be the better word.
Agreements, not rules
I prefer "agreements" to "rules". Rules sound fixed and imposed. Agreements are made together and can be revisited as you both change. Most couples who open their marriage revise their first agreements within months, and that's a sign of things working, not failing.
The agreements most couples talk through
- What kinds of connection. Casual, ongoing, romantic or not.
- Telling. How much each of you wants to know, and when.
- Safer sex. What you'll do, and how you'll talk about it.
- Time. How many evenings, which nights, and how you protect time for the two of you.
- Home and circles. Whether dates come to your home, and whether friends, colleagues or exes are off limits.
- Apps and privacy. Which apps, what goes on a profile, and who in your life knows.
- Veto. Whether either of you can ask the other to end a connection. Some couples use it; many find it causes more hurt than it prevents. Talk it through carefully before relying on it.
- Pausing. How either of you can ask to slow down or stop, and what happens next.
Raising it with a spouse
How you bring it up matters as much as what you say.
- Ask, don't announce. "I've been curious about something and I'd like to talk about it with you" goes much better than a decision presented as finished.
- Pick a calm moment, not the middle of an argument or the end of a long day.
- Say why. Curiosity, a long-held part of you, something you've read. Your reasons help your spouse understand what you're asking for.
- Listen to the answer. Including the parts you don't want to hear.
When one of you isn't sure
Unsure is a real answer, and it's a common starting point. Plenty of couples take months to decide, and some decide not to open up at all. That's a good outcome too.
What doesn't work is pressure. A "no" isn't the start of a negotiation, and an open marriage that one spouse agreed to just to keep the other usually ends up hurting both. If you notice you're going along with it rather than choosing it, that deserves an honest conversation.
Check-ins
Agree to talk regularly, especially in the first few months: what's going well, what's been hard, and whether any agreement needs adjusting. A monthly conversation is a good rhythm to start with.
Where to go from here
Read What does ENM mean? for the wider picture and Jealousy in open relationships for the feelings that come with it. If you'd like to talk it through as a couple, a free 15-minute call with me is a good place to start.